The Temari Show
by Fairady
Summary: Today's episode: "Disfunctional familes, Konoha nin style."
1. Man's best friend, or is he?

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or it's characters. A fact for which Kiba thanks all the gods he know of every day. I also make no money off of this. My sole reward is the potential to scar some pure mind forever! 

Warning: My humor. I believe the thought that inspired this was, "Man, I really want to read a Kiba and Shinomaru fic. Wait, Shinomaru? ShinoAkamaru?" Heed this as your warning. Mentions yaoi and bestiality themes. Sort of.

Notes: Yes, I have a vendetta against dog boy. He didn't want me to write him so now he must suffer for it.

The Temari Show  
by fairady

* * *

/The camera opens on a well lit stage with a large audience. Temari smiles politely at their applause/

Temari: Welcome to the Temari Show. Our episode today is called, "Man's best friend: is he really?" I'd like to welcome our first two guests, Kiba and his best friend Akamaru.

/The audience applauds politely as the two walk onto the stage. Kiba slouches into a seat and Akamaru jumps onto the one next to him/

Tenmari: So, Kiba, how long have you and Akamaru been friends?

Kiba: Just about all our lives.

Akamaru: _barks_

Kiba: Yeah, all of your life. Akamaru was born around my third or fourth birthday.

Temari: _nods_ I see, that's a pretty long time. You guys must know everything about each other.

Kiba: _grins_ You bet!

Temari: It's obvious that you two are pretty close. So, is there anybody else you're pretty close to as well?

Kiba: Uh, well there's our family and our friends. They're all pretty close.

Akamaru: _barks twice and growls softly_

Kiba: Oh, you mean that _grins sheepishly_ Well I'm sorta dating this guy on my team.

Temari: _smiles patiently_ Really? Well tell us a little about this teammate of yours.

Kiba: His names Shino and we've been seeing eachother for about six months now. He's really great.

Temari: _sotto voice_ Six months and that's all you can say?

Kiba: Huh?

Temari: Nothing! Well, I think it's about time to tell you why you're here today. Akamaru has a confession he wants to make.

Kiba: _starts to look slightly worried_ What is it?

Akamaru: _sits up straighter and whines softly_

Kiba: _blinks_ What?

Akamaru: _whines again and barks a few times_

Kiba: That's not funny. _stares at Akamaru a look of shock slowly spreads across his face_ Oh, shit. You- you really...

Akamaru: _barks a fast series of short barks_

Kiba: You slept with Shino?

Audience: Oooooooh...

Kiba: I can't believe you! Your my best friend, I-I trusted you!

Akamaru: _whine_

Kiba: You slept with my boyfriend and you want me to forgive you?

Akamaru: _growls_

Kiba: _face flushes bright red_ You want to say that again!

Akamaru: _growls again_

/Kiba lunges across the seats, and Akamaru changes to his human form. Both roll off the stage as they do their best to rip the other's throat out. The audience is on their feet screaming for blood. Gaara and Kankuro wearing security shirts wade in to physically tear the two apart, and escort them back to the stage. It is now impossible to tell which is Kiba and which is Akamaru./

Temari: Gentlemen, gentlemen... We've heard both your sides of the story. Now I think it's time for us to hear from Shino.

/The crowd applauds and a few members boo. Shino walks onto the stage and sits between the two still growling ex-friends./

Temari: Welcome to the show Shino. I'm gonna cut straight to the chase here. Everyone must be wondering, how do you sleep with you're boyfriend's dog and not notice?

Shino: Well Temari, _gestures at the duo,_ can you honestly tell me that you know which one is which right now?

Temari: Hm, I see your point.

/The audience laughs. The growling Kiba on the left looks up./

Kiba: Wait, you mean you didn't notice that he can't talk! How can you not notice something like that?

Shino: Well, you're not exactly the most talkative person when you want sex. Growling and tearing at my clothes is your norm.

Audience: Oh..._the crowd jeers_

Shino: I think the only time you ever really take it slow is when we go out to the woods.

Kiba: Huh? We never go out to the woods.

Shino: Yes we do, we go all the time. You usually bring some food and we spend the night out there.

Kiba: _frowns_ No we don't.

Shino: _raises one eyebrow_ Then who have I been having sex with for the past four months?

Akamaru: _Shifts and whines lowly. The audience breaks into raucous cheers._

Kiba: I'm gonna kill you, you bitch!

/Kiba and Akamaru roll across the stage biting and scratching each other. Temari waves security away. For now./

Shino: You mean that was Akamaru all this time?

Temari: Apparently. So how do you feel about finding out you've been sleeping with your boyfriend's best friend for months?

Shino: _watches the duo roll by_ Well, I'd have to say it was the best four months of my life.

Audience: Ooooooh...

/Kiba and Akamaru stop fighting looking up at Shino in shock./

Kiba: What?

Shino: Well the truth is I was about ready to dump you Kiba. All you ever really wanted to do was have sex, and as soon as it was over you'd roll over and go to sleep. The same thing we do every damn night. Where's the romance in that? What if I wanted to do something else? Like have more than one good orgasm or maybe try something new in bed?

Kiba: _sputters incoherently_

Shino: But then one day we started going to the woods and it got better. You were more than willing to try new things out, and you never went to sleep afterwards until I was satisfied. Sometimes we never went to sleep at all.

/The audience roars it's approval loudly./

Akamaru: _leers_

Temari: Well I think Shino has something he wants to announce.

Shino: I'm sorry Kiba but it isn't working out between us. I'm dumping you and going out with Akamaru.

/The audience cheers loudly as Shino pulls Akamaru into a deep kiss. Gaara slaps Kiba into a Dessert Coffin before he can jump the new couple. The camera does a close up of a smiling Temari./

Temari: Well that's it for today, be sure to watch our next show, 'Bestiality: love or perversion?"

-

Fairady: _laughs insanely_ That'll teach you to try to defy me! Just remember, this is only the tip of the ice.

Kiba: _still wrapped in sand_ Mppph!

Gaara: _looks down at the sand covered ninja, looks back up_ Can I keep him?

Fairady: _slow, evil smile_

Kiba: _does his best to scream_


	2. Romeo and Juliet

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or it's characters. A fact for which Kiba thanks all the gods he know of every day. I also make no money off of this. My sole reward is the potential to scar some pure mind forever! 

Warning: My humor. Should be warning enough as is. Yaoi. Also, stop bitching to me when you ignore the nice little warning and find something you don't like in the fic. I really don't care if you got sick or not. It's your own damn fault. Oh, yeah. There's also some coarse language in this fic.

Notes: These two should have been the first couple on the show. Messed up with just enough of a hint of hope to make the housewives at home weep.

The Temari Show  
by fairady

* * *

Producer: We need more show ideas. looks at the people around the table Anyone?

Assistant Producer 1: How about the mother of my children is really a man?

Assistant Producer 3: We did that last week.

Assistant Producer 2: No we didn't.

AP3: Yes we did, we had Orochimaru on the show.

AP2: Ah. _nods_ So that rules out pedophilia, cults, and fashion disasters. Why don't we follow up on the last show. The guy that got tossed over by his boyfriend for his dog. Didn't he end up leaving with Gaara?

AP1: Uh, I'm not entirely sure that was a consensual thing, and I'm damn sure I don't want to find out. Besides it's against his contract to appear on the show while employed as security.

AP2: Then lets fire him. We could get three solid month of material out of Gaara.

Producer: Can't do that either. We can't afford to hire other security people that are half as good. Both Gaara and Kankuro don't demand as much pay as they could because Temari's their sister and would kick their asses for it.

AP3: Well, Valentines is coming up, what if we do a themed show?

Producer: Hm...

* * *

/The camera opens on a well lit stage with a large audience. Temari smiles politely at their applause./

Temari: Welcome to the Temari Show. You all know them and their romantic or outright strange hook ups. So for the upcoming Valentines week we'll bring back all of your favorite couples from the past and see how they're doing.

Audience: _cheers_

Temari: Well first up is everyone's favorite Romeo and Juliet. Please welcome Zabuza and Haku.

/The audience cheers as a montage of clips from past episodes begins. Naruto sits next to Haku the sternest expression he'd ever learned from Iruka on his face./

Naruto: Haku you're my friend, that's why I'm worried about you. He doesn't really care about you. He's just using you, and no matter how much you love him he'll never love you back the way you deserve.

Haku: I know, _audience aws as he smiles sadly_, but he's all I have Naruto. It really doesn't matter to me whether or not he'll ever love me. As long as he needs me I'll be happy.

/The next shot shows Zabuza alone on stage./

Zabuza: So what? He's a great tool for me to use to accomplish my goals. If he doesn't mind why should anyone else? _audience boos and Zabuza glares them to silence _Hey! You ever consider where he might be if it wasn't for me? He'd be dead or at the side of some alley starving! And I didn't see any of you stopping to help!

Temari: Hm, that's a pretty impassioned remark there.

Zabuza: Whats that supposed to mean?

/Next shot a psychiatrist sits next to Zabuza./

Zabuza: _glares_ No way in hell are you a certified psychiatrist.

Kakashi: _adjusts his tie irritably_ Of course not! I'm actually a relationship counselor. They just call me a psychiatrist on this show because most people who watch can't tell the difference between their-

Temari: Ahem! _whispers_ You wanna get paid?

Kakashi: Ah, _clears his throat and turns serious_ You have extreme difficulty expressing yourself to others. I can tell the problem in this relationship is yours, not Haku's.

Zabuza: _snorts_ There is no relationship.

Kakashi: Oh, _eyes glint with deadly intent_ but there is you just refuse to admit it to yourself. Don't worry though. _grins widely _My twelve minute program involving heavy use of genjutsu will fix that problem for you.

/The next shot seems to be in some sort of a shrink's office. It's hard to tell because most of the furnishings have been slashed and smashed beyond all recognition. The only recognizable item is the badly beaten couch an unconscious Zabuza is sprawled on. A worn looking Kakashi stands over him holding a cracked and bloody paperweight./

Kakashi: _drops the weight and cracks his neck_ All right, now it's time to get to the bottom of your problems Zabuza.

/Kakashi wraps the stirring man in a complicated genjutsu./

Zabuza: _looks around the room with dazed eyes before fixing on Kakashi_...mommy?

Kakashi: Oh hell.

/Next shot Haku and Zabuza stand back stage. Haku stands serenely next to Zabuza waiting for the entrance cue. Zabuza fidgets and keeps casting glances down at the boy. The cue comes and Haku starts to walk forward./

Zabuza: ...Wait.

Haku: _stops dead in his tracks_ What is it Zabuza-san?

Zabuza: _Fidgets even more before stilling. In one swift movement he's brought out a small box and is on one knee before Haku._ Marry me?

Haku: ...oh. _Looks down at the box and looks ready to faint. He reaches one trembling hand out and takes the box._ Yes, yes!

/The montage ends as Haku pulls Zabuza's bandages down and does his best to suck his tonsils out. The audience is cheering loudly and Zabuza and Haku are already seated. Zabuza is looking sullenly at the floor and Haku rests his head on his shoulder smiling./

Temari: Well it's been almost a year since you were both on the show. How are things going for you two?

Haku: Couldn't be better Temari-san. The wedding is next month.

Temari: Really? You sure waited long enough to have it.

Haku: Well, we've had some trouble with getting the marriage license. All the branches we go to won't see us without my birth certificate and they always call hunter nins on Zabuza. They've been particularly keen on getting us since your show.

Zabuza: _snorts and eyes the exits_ I'm surprised they haven't busted in here yet.

Temari: Oh, it's not for lack of trying. _flashes a wide grin at the camera_ Our security team is taking care of it.

/Brief shot outside of a group of masked nin in a stare off with Gaara. Various weapons and piles of sand are scattered around the area. Kankuro is sitting on the steps leading to the studio his head propped on one hand and fast asleep./

Temari: We offer all guests on my show our guarantee of safety while on the show.

Zabuza: Hm. looks down at Haku consideringly

Haku: Do you do weddings, too?

Temari: We'll have to talk to the producer about that. _sotto voice_ I'm sure he'd have a field day with it.

Haku: _smiles brightly_ Please do.

/The audience cheers happily and a few shout out congratulations. Others shout out suggestions of what else could be done on the show. Blushing, Haku drags a murderous Zabuza off stage. The camera closes in on Temari's face./

Temari: Well, that's all the time we have for today's show.

Announcer: Have you or anyone you know ever used the Henge no Jutsu to live a completely different life as the opposite gender? Then write us your story for a chance to appear on the Temari Show!


	3. The ties that bind and choke

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or it's characters. A fact for which Kiba thanks all the gods he knows of every day. I also make no money off of this. My sole reward is the potential to scar some pure mind forever! 

Warning: My humor. Should be warning enough as is. Yaoi. Also, stop bitching to me when you ignore the nice little warning and find something you don't like in the fic. I really don't care if you got sick or not. It's your own damn fault. Oh, yeah. There's also some coarse language in this fic.

Notes: I'm sorry about the obvious cliché I used here, but I couldn't help it. It just screamed to be used. Then begged to be abused. Hope this isn't too serious, Sasuke refused to allow me to make fun of him too much.

The Temari Show  
by fairady

* * *

The camera opens on a well lit stage with a large audience. Temari smiles politely at their applause.

Temari: Welcome to the Temari Show. Today we'll be dealing with a family that's so messed up it'll make yours seem perfect.

The audience laughs. One Rock nin shouts to Temari that her family would make anyone feel normal. The man yelps as he suddenly looses his footing and cracks his head on the back of a seat. Kankurou 'helpfully' escorts the injured man out of the studio, and right back onto his head.

Temari: _forces a grin_ Everyone welcome our first guest for today. Uchiha Sasuke!

Sasuke walks onto the stage ignoring the clapping and squeals from the audience.

Temari: Welcome to the show, Sasuke.

Sasuke: _glares up at the ceiling_ Whatever.

Temari: I can tell you're not one for idle chit chat. So, let's cut to the chase here. Tell us about your family.

Sasuke: _glares icily at Temari_ It's quite simple, I don't have one. When I was six years old my elder brother slaughtered my entire clan. From our own parents down to the people that could be barely called Uchihas. I'm the only one left.

The audience gasps and murmurs their support. A few cry as the camera slowly pans across the audience before turning back to the stage. The screen prompting the audience is turned off.

Temari: That's quite the heart wrenching story. Why would your brother do something like that?

Sasuke: Who knows and who cares? I'm an avenger. I've dedicated my entire life to killing him for what he's done. I will not rest until he's dead!

Temari: Well, let's see what he has to say about this. Everyone please welcome Uchiha Itachi!

Sasuke: What? _glares at Temari_ That bastard is here!

Temari: _rolls her eyes_ Didn't you read the script?

Itachi walks onto the stage among boos and more than a few shouted propositions. Sasuke immediately launches an attack at the empty spot his brother used to be in. Itachi appears behind Sasuke and easily knocks him out. Itachi takes his seat as the security team tries to revive Sasuke. Or poke him with a stick, it's hard to tell from the camera angle.

Temari: _forces a smile_ Well, I have a feeling this is going to be a short show.

Itachi: _smiles pleasantly back at her_ Most likely. I'm sorry but Sasuke-kun can get terribly overexcited about some things.

Temari: Well, you did kill everyone in your family except him. Isn't that a good enough reason to get 'overexcited?'

Itachi: Not until he has the strength to actually do something about it.

Temari: I'm sure what everyone watching wants to know is why you did all of this, but you've signed a strict agreement and we can't ask you that. _ignores the disappointed moans from the audience _So while Sasuke recovers why don't you tell us a little about what you're doing now?

Itachi: _leans back in the chair _Not too much really. I mostly travel around with my partner and we occasionally kill any idiot that gets in our way.

Temari: Doesn't that get boring?

Itachi: Not really. There are a lot of idiots in this world. _smiles_

Temari: _nods thoughtfully_ While we're on the subject, I heard you tried to kidnap the Leaf's village idiot.

Itachi: Yes, it didn't exactly go as planned though. _shrugs slightly_ We'll be better prepared next time we try to take Uzumaki Naruto.

Sasuke: Naruto! _now conscious, jumps up and confronts Itachi_ It's always Naruto! Why are you so interested in that idiot? I'm your brother and I've sworn to kill you! Doesn't that count for something?

Itachi: _sighs wearily and stares disinterestedly at the boy_ You're not really anything, Sasuke-kun. You have a long way to go to even come close to killing me. Until then you're completely irrelevant.

Sasuke: _shakes with anger and growls_ Naruto. Why him! At least tell me that!

Itachi: _shrugs_ Nothing personal really. If you'd ever stop angsting long enough you would have already heard about the group I'm in, Akatsuki. And, well to oversimplify it they believe that demon plus bacon bits equals power. _looks off to the side_ I personally don't give a damn one way or another.

Sasuke: You never gave a damn about anything!

Itachi: _theatrically considers for a bit before smiling widely_ Nope.

Sasuke looses what little composure, and common sense, he had left and launches himself at Itachi with a scream. Itachi blinks before easily flinging him across the stage. The audience is caught in the tricky dilemma of booing Itachi or cheering wildly. Sasuke stands back up ready to charge in with a Chidori.

Temari: Hey! _looks, well glares, at security_ Idiot guest about to be killed here! Do something.

Kankurou rolls his eyes and he and Gaara rush onto the stage. Karasu jumps Sasuke from behind effectively entangling him with it's arms and chakra strings. Itachi steps back and thoughtfully examines the tendrils of sand weaving ominously before him. The audience decides to boo.

Itachi: What...interesting chakra. _looks over at Gaara_ I want you to come with-_sand wraps around his throat and squeezes lightly _Suppose I should bring some back up before finishing that sentence.

Temari: _stands threateningly behind Itachi, fan open_ You think?

The audience is instantly on it's feet. Fists and kunai in the air as they all chant, 'Temari! Temari! Temari!

Kankurou: _stands to the left, Sasuke forgotten and both puppets ready_ You'll be needing more than just 'some back up,' pretty boy.

Itachi: _blinks_ You think I'm pretty? _stares at Kankurou blankly_ No one's ever said that to me before.

Silence fills the studio and everyone gapes at Itachi. Itachi who is blushing and self-consciously smoothing non-existent wrinkles on his cloak. Kankurou chokes on air and makes some very interesting sputtering sounds.

Sasuke: _stares at his brother_ ...the hell?

Itachi: Ah, screw the demons! _suddenly appears beside Kankurou_ Are you free after the show?

Kankurou: _panics_ Gah!

The audience once again takes up it's chant as Temari and Gaara launch themselves at Itachi in a rage. The chants quickly turn to screams as the fight spirals out of control and begins to tear up the stage. A mass evacuation begins before the camera cuts out.

* * *

Kankurou: I thought you liked me. 

Fairady: Of course I like you...cutie.

Kankurou: _growls_ You're going down bitch.


End file.
